To all of my dear friends and loved ones who are experiencing difficulty with fertility, my heart goes out to you. I’ve read your blogs, your posts on Facebook, etc, and I have written this letter to you in my mind over and over. I've struggled with what I could say to you that might possibly help. I'm not so great speaking to you face-to-face because I stumble over my words in fear that something I say might offend. I've always been better at expressing myself in writing because it gives my chaotic mind time to organize itself. So here goes: First of all let me say that I pray for you all often and I fully believe that each one of you will become mothers. I know your loving spirits and in my heart there is no doubt that this will happen for each of you, someday.
Did those last couple of sentences make you cringe a little? Especially that last word: “someday”? It’s okay if it did, as heartfelt as I am saying these things to you, I know it can get tiring. I know because I’ve been on the other side of statements such as these. As much as I appreciated them (and I did!) depending on my mood, they could really stress me out. When I was already down, someone telling me about “someday” could potentially bring tears to my eyes -- and unfortunately I don’t mean the good kind. I mean the kind that rise up from your boiling chest and sting your eyes with rage. Not with rage at the sweet person trying to give hope, but at the universe, for denying me such a righteous desire. “Will I ever be a mother?”, “Why was it so easy for so-and-so?”, “My poor husband is stuck with me and I might never make him a father…”. These negative sentiments would begin to pour out of me like my tears and then I would have a massive meltdown and my husband would help me pick up the pieces of myself and begin again. Such heartache and exhaustion was a huge part of my life during my struggle to conceive.
Our sweet baby boy was born this year in May. He is all of my anguish and fears beautifully transformed into all the happiness my heart can contain. How instantly my heart was healed, how complete I was as he suddenly came into my life and made me whole.
Did you just cringe again? It’s okay, I promise it is. I still have some perspective from your side of this trial. I can still remember reading accounts like these and feeling angry, and then feeling guilty that I felt angry. Please don’t feel guilty. Part of my heart will always belong to the woman I was when I couldn't become a mother, part of me will always understand that pain.
“And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!” (Alma 36:20). I bet you could give me countless examples of your exceeding pain. But have you thought about the joy to come? I’m sure you have, but have you allowed yourself to honestly say: “that joy will be mine”. Do this. Please do this. Do not give Satan another day of your anguish. Do not allow yourself to doubt yourself or your Father in Heaven. He knows the amazing mother you will make, He can see you as you are now and as you will become. Trust in that knowledge, and trust in Him.
I’m sure you have seen Teen Mom, that sad show where most of the “mothers” are still children and cannot rise up to the divine roll of motherhood for one reason or another. This show makes you sick, right? It makes you shake with anger. It makes you want to scream from the rooftops: “What kind of sick world do we live in?! Why in the world do they have babies and I don’t?” But they, my dear friends, will never have that joy, because they never had to experience this particular pain. Their pain is on a whole different scale, it would be like comparing apples to oranges. But let me tell you something from the other side of the trial: you are lucky. Mad at me yet? Stick with me. You’re lucky because you will have moments when you are holding your dear child in your arms and you will suddenly feel the good kind of burning in your chest, and the sweet stinging of tears in your eyes. You will remember the pain, the pain that others didn’t have to go through to have children, and your heart will sing with joy. You’ll squeeze your child tightly and say a prayer of thankfulness to your Father. And do you know what the best part is? You can have as many of these moments as you desire, all you have to do is remember the difficult road that lead to where you are.
You are all destined to be mothers. Maybe you’re not having such a positive day today, and maybe you rolled your eyes at me just now. That’s absolutely fine, I promise I can take it. But I’m telling you now that YOU WILL. And you know who else can handle your anger? Your Heavenly Father. Pour out your frustrations to Him, tell Him your fears and doubts and sadness. But then leave them with Him and with your Savior. The Atonement does not only apply for when we sin, but also for all of those horrible feelings you are currently experiencing. I’m sad to say that it was only recently that I learned this. The Savior can and will take away your pain and frustration if you apply the Atonement.
There will be more trials in this life for you. There will be more for me as well. But I promise you that you will learn from this; that these moments of deep pain and suffering will not be for nothing. Hardships that try our patience seem so endless, but they do end. And looking back I wish that I could have stayed closer to my Heavenly Father throughout it all, because my burden would have been made lighter.
For the next five minutes, please try something for me. Imagine your future babies: their sweet, small, perfect faces. Their happy baby sounds, their joyful outlook on the world. The moment when they look into your eyes and see their mother, their protector, their greatest friend, the person that loves them fiercely. Dancing with them in the kitchen as they squeal out with joy. Reading them a bedtime story as their eyes flutter with sleep. I’m quite certain you imagine these things often. But this is the tricky part of what I’m asking:
do not doubt it will happen.
Let there be no question that these things will come to pass for you. Let there be no fear in your heart that your greatest desires will be fulfilled.
You will be a mother. Allow your heart to sing with this truth -- even if you can only manage this for a few minutes. That’s okay, but practice often. And in those moments when you do not doubt, know that this is how your Father in Heaven always sees you.
And how I see you too.
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