It's okay to be happy

I'm posting this so I can sleep well again tonight. I've had about 5 different drafts on this one particular topic and I kept putting it off. I felt like maybe it was too personal to share, that I'm probably the only person out there who struggles with allowing their anxiety to encroach on their happiness. So I tucked it away in the back of my mind. But then I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I guess what I'm saying is my reasons for sharing are purely selfish. I like sleep.

There are many reasons not to be happy. There are also many reasons a person might experience anxiety. My experience was that my anxiety directly affected my happiness, so that's what I'm focusing on. SO these are my feelings based on my struggles with anxiety in my life. I can't say I know you or know how you feel, but I do know me. Pretty well. I mean most days I do.

As a child and even young adult, I didn't suffer from anxiety. Sure I had worries and fears, but I never had an anxiety attack. I think maybe once when I was 9 or 10 years old I cried because I knew I would have to get another tetanus shot when I was 15, years away. I've always had a knack for worrying about things in advance. I'm pretty good at it. When people say "worrying won't solve anything", I laugh a little. That's a good one, I've never heard that before, you've changed my life, I'll simply never worry again. 

I've had anxiety attacks about a slew of different things ranging from submechanophobia (it's a thing, google it...or don't *shudders*) to arguments with family members. A couple months after Everett was born I had an attack from thinking I could be pregnant again. It started with one small thought in my mind, technically you could get pregnant again right NOW, it's happened to other people. I started to do the math about how close in age my children would be, about how I would surely never sleep or shower again, etc. And then I couldn't breathe. I didn't actually think I was pregnant. No evidence, just the feeling of complete lack of control over my life.

But I'm going to rewind it a little bit to back when I didn't even know what an anxiety attack was, or that it would ever happen to me. After much deep thought and hours and hours of fervent prayer ("You bored?" "Yeah, you?" "Yeah, let's have a baby...") Aaron and I decided to start our family. It wasn't easy for us to get pregnant, but it seems like these days it's really not easy for anyone anymore. But I didn't know that at the time. Pregnancy was the natural, next step for us, and so I thought everything would simply fall into place. It didn't. It was at this time in my life that I realized that I was simply not in control. I experienced 2 miscarriages and to say that I "wasn't happy" at that time would definitely be an understatement. In my mind, all I could see was that this was happening to me, I had no control, and so in turn I couldn't be happy. Sadly, I truly believed that to be happy my life had to be perfect, the way I wanted it to be. I don't believe that anymore.

I began using my anxiety as a shield against the bad things that could happen to me. This is obviously impossible, but it gave me a false sense of control. When I was pregnant with my son we had a scare and I thought I would lose him. I distinctly remember thinking it's because you were too happy, you jinxed it. For some reason I thought I could bargain with God - my happiness in exchange for protection from trials.

God doesn't work this way.

He doesn't sit up in the sky on a giant throne throwing trials down on us when we seem too happy. Why is this so often our view of Him? He desperately wants us to be happy because we are his children! We agreed to come to this earth and go through these trials to become more like Him. Because of this we will face difficult things in this life, but whether or not we are happy doesn't affect our receiving these trials, it only affects our ability to handle them. Fear is from the devil, faith from God. 

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid." - John 14:27

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." - 2 Timothy 1:7

"Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." - 2 Nephi 2:25

I don't know why it seems that some people are given more trials than others. I don't. But I do know that all of us, every one of us is deserving of happiness, (especially during difficult times). More than that, it is our purpose. Despite whatever trials we've been given, we can decide to be happy. But we have to decide. The trick is to be happy NOW, with all we have in this moment, not what we might have at a future time or what we've had in the past. 

I can't pick and choose my trials, but I can pick my reaction to them. That's where I have control.  

So this is me deciding. And this is my new mantra for whenever those negative, anxious thoughts enter my mind:

It's okay to be happy.

It's okay to be happy even though my life isn't perfect.

It's okay to be happy even when hard things happen in my life, because they do and they will.

It's okay to be happy even while I am patiently awaiting God's blessings.

Anxiety is something I am always going to struggle with, I don't have a quick fix. But I have learned that God will not punish me for being happy in spite of it, that worrying won't exempt me from trials, in fact it will only make them more difficult to pass through. So, if this is something you also struggle with it's time you knew, it's okay if you're happy too.