Today, I watched a video on YouTube, and I got really inspired. It's Similac's "The Mother 'Hood", and if you haven't seen it, watch it here:
The beginning is cute and silly, and then WHAM, outta nowhere, it gets real. I've watched it 3 times since and every time I cry a little more - the last time was borderline blubbering.
But I just kept thinking, this is what it should be about, our children should be the focus.
Mommy's, you know that part of being a mother is getting the unwanted advice. It starts in your pregnancy before your baby is even born. People ask you if you'll be breastfeeding, (yes they do, as personal as it might seem, they do), they ask you if you'll be using cloth diapers, where you're registering (because, duh, you're only a "cool mom" if you register at Target), if you're circumcising your baby boy, etc. Hey, it's not their fault, you've got a giant conversation starter in your midsection and they're just trying to be nice. But they will ask. And if you were anything like me with your first, you'll try to answer them calmly because you want to seem prepared. But all the while in your mind you're thinking Crap, am I doing skin-to-skin when he's born? What even is that? and then you make a mental note to add it to your list of things to Google when you get home.
When baby arrives, the questions continue. There will always be something that others are doing that you aren't. And sometimes, they'll make you feel bad for it. And then sometimes you'll retaliate and make them feel bad too. See how much this sucks? I've been there, I'm so ashamed to admit it, but I've totally been there. I'm not saying we shouldn't be sharing opinions with each other, or asking these important questions. Of course we should! But I am saying, that sometimes the way we ask these questions and the reasons behind us wanting to know, are less than honorable. That if we're asking solely so that we can judge and compare, we shouldn't be asking.
My middle name is Worry. Well, maybe it isn't, but it definitely should be. If you're a Worrier like me, you understand that when people tell you "not to worry", you smile on the outside, but in your mind you're now worrying that they think you're crazy because you worry so much. It never ends. So when people told me before he was born that I "shouldn't worry" because I'll have "mother's intuition" when it came to making decisions concerning my son, I nodded and smiled, but was convinced that I wouldn't have it. That something awful would happen to him because I wouldn't have this intuition. That I would be alone. That I would screw him up for life because I wouldn't buy the right brand of baby bottles. Yep. I really thought that.
Well, I'm happy to report that "Mother's Intuition" really does exist! And I'm a Worrier, so you can trust me. But I've also come to the conclusion that, at least for me, I've been labeling it wrong. I know that it's the Holy Spirit whispering and teaching me. I have help knowing what's best for my son. We all do, whether you're religious, or not. Whatever you want to call it, you have help. You are the person that knows your child best. You are the person who makes the best decisions where they're concerned. You are their mother.
The night after Everett was born, I didn't sleep a wink. I'm sure others have had the same experience. My sweet husband was completely passed out in that awful cot in the corner, and I was glad, because I knew one of us needed to rest! They put my baby boy in that plastic bassinet right by my hospital bed and I stared at him with a heavy mix of emotions. Wonder, gratitude, pure joy, but mostly: fear. This tiny creature was now outside of my body and I worried about all the things that could happen. I worried, because I couldn't not worry. I needed support, I needed someone to tell me it was okay, that I would succeed. In that very moment, one of my nurses came in and exclaimed "Oh my!" and ran over and started suctioning out my baby's mouth. I sat up in terror, certain that this was the end of my baby's life. I'd already failed as a mother. Finally, the nurse explained, "Oh he just has a little amniotic fluid in there still, you might need to do this every so often or he'll choke." I was shocked. And I asked her through the tears I was hiding, "how do I do that?" She showed me, very quickly, and then left. And then I cried. Because I didn't know when he was choking or not, I hadn't even noticed until she came in and wigged out. I hadn't even noticed.
Throughout my hospital stay I would think he was choking and panic. I would take that stupid bulb syringe thing and I would try my hardest to get the fluid out, even though I was never certain if that's what was happening. Each time I would hear a sinister voice in my head telling me: you're doing it wrong. My last day in the hospital one of the pediatricians came to check on Everett. I told her about my experience the first night and practically begged, "Please tell me what to listen for so I know when he's choking, and please show me what to do so I can help him." She gave me a knowing look and said "I think your nurse might have been over exaggerating just a little. Most of the time babies are able to get rid of this fluid on their own, and if they can't, you'll definitely know."
It took awhile after this incident, but I learned to trust myself, I learned to listen to the Spirit, my "Mother's Intuition". To know that I would be taught by the Spirit what was best for my child, because every one is different. Even on matters as small as what baby food to buy for him, I now know my husband and I will receive our own guidance. So when I hear an opinion about what's "best for baby", I might take a beat and think about it, but I've discovered that if it's best for my baby that I will know. I felt that I needed to stay at home with my children. That was my desire and I'm grateful to be able to do so. But does that mean it's right for all moms? Does that mean it's the best way to be a mother? No. No no no. It doesn't. And it doesn't mean that I can judge others based on the way I've been inspired to parent my child.
I think about that nurse and, of course, am grateful that she helped my son. But not in the way she went about it. I needed support in that moment, like so many of us often do. I needed a loving, guiding hand, because I didn't know what I was doing. Are we, as sisters and friends and aunts and grandmas and fellow moms, doing enough to support the mothers around us? Do we lift up instead of accuse one another? Do we tell or even insinuate to other mothers: you're doing it wrong. Are we implying that they're a bad mother because they buy Luv's instead of Pampers? In a new mother's moment of fear, are we reassuring them or adding to their distress?
So here's a pop quiz for my fellow Mommas:
Are you loving your child?
Are you protecting your child?
Are you feeding your child?
Yes? You are? Then, trust me, you're doing it right.
